Change

Been a long time since I posted and life has changed immesurably in that time.

My relationship with Paul has ended after 16 years. To say I'm devastated is a complete understatement but is the best I can do. I don't know what to think or feel or where to turn.
I don't really know why we have finished - it was Paul's decision and thus far, three weeks after it happened, I still have no reasons because he won't talk to me.

It hits me most at funny little times. I'll see a holiday advertised on TV and think how good it looks...then I remember I've no one to go with.
I save up silly little things to tell him and then I realise he doesn't want to hear them any more.
I recall how fluffy his hair was just after washing and how I used to call him my chick.
My Bear, my Paully, my love. Forever.


I thought we'd always be together. I saw us old, free from work and money worries, moving to Greece...continuing to love each other and look after each other.

Sometimes all you can do with your life is to hate it.

Bad Joke?

Please can someone else look at this and tell me if it's real or just a spoof?

http://www.lovegodsway.org/

because when I found it I was completely, utterly, massively incandescent (great word) but then I thought 'nah, it's just someone taking the piss, people can't seriously think this'...
so now I don't know.
But I would dearly love it to be a joke, because...because it just MUST be, musn't it?

Blogging has made me think how I'm not doing much at the moment. Other folk are always telling of social things, cinemas, parties, discussions, events etc. I haven't been 'out' for ages, seem to be in a period of just being totally happy at home doing not much at all. Which, I guess, makes my Blog a bit boring...needs to be more external, less internal perhaps? hmmm. This Saturday is Quiz night - will that do? And beforehand I'm going to a performance of Faure's Requiem - with 4 people over 70. Steady, there.

My animal 'crush' of this week are bats. As I type its that iridescent, blue-y stage before dark and there are loads of little batty pals doing gymnastics outside my window. Glorious.
I don't know if they live in our eaves - my Dad recently had this plastic covering put over them so possibly not. But I'm glad its illegal to evict them from wherever they do live. Good law, that.

Must go and feed the rodents. Tonight they have a new enclosure so they can get more exercise and become less porky. They have loads and loads of room to run and frisk and play.
Since I put them in there, they have huddled - complaining constantly - and not moved, except to eat spinach and carrots. I feel the concept of a healthier lifestyle may not have got through to them as yet.

xx

Chickens and God. In that order.

Ola!
Lovely day off today. Have done nothing except have an injection and read about keeping chickens. It's quite easy as long as you can create a decent size pen (with roof) for them to scrat around in. And I found out that because chickens have no teeth they can't grind up their food, so they have to eat little bits of grit which go into their gizzard and help the muscles within to squish up their food. Fascinating, huh?
Oh, and I now understand about eggs, and why a cockerel is not necessary. Yup, I see how it works now.

My poetry is finally finished! Yay! I've sent it off to my Mentor, Maggie, and now I guess I just wait for the next stage. I still have to sort out a title, (have a couple of good ones under consideration) and a biog and the order of the pieces...but hopefully the ''creative slogging'' is over. Feels kinda good. And they have been immesurably tolerant of all my delays, so thanks for that, gang. Everyone's invited to the launch(es). Yes, even you.

I have a strange urge to go to church. Not any church, but one in my home town, the place I have vowed never to go back to. But now I really want to, probably because its been in the media recently and the vicar is the same guy I knew from childhood, and perhaps there's some kind of nostalgia and sense of..belonging. Yet I don't believe in God, so why a pull to a house of worship? I did 'worship' there for a while as a teenager, but I never felt God or believed in the rote and ritual, though I guess it was comforting in a way. I really only used to go to keep my friend company and because I had a strong feeling that the vicar was a very good man, a wise man with an admirable faith and spirit.
I have a sense that if I go back there, things will be better - I will get answers, explanations. Of course that's nonsense. But I suppose it shows that I'm still looking for understanding, reasons. And perhaps now I've moved on to blame God for some of my demons. (''Why wasn't God watching? Why wasn't God listening? Why wasn't God there..'')
Well, a step on from blaming myself I guess.

x