and sometime voices

Change

2009-06-25T16:55:00.000-07:00

Been a long time since I posted and life has changed immesurably in that time.

My relationship with Paul has ended after 16 years. To say I'm devastated is a complete understatement but is the best I can do. I don't know what to think or feel or where to turn.
I don't really know why we have finished - it was Paul's decision and thus far, three weeks after it happened, I still have no reasons because he won't talk to me.

It hits me most at funny little times. I'll see a holiday advertised on TV and think how good it looks...then I remember I've no one to go with.
I save up silly little things to tell him and then I realise he doesn't want to hear them any more.
I recall how fluffy his hair was just after washing and how I used to call him my chick.
My Bear, my Paully, my love. Forever.

I thought we'd always be together. I saw us old, free from work and money worries, moving to Greece...continuing to love each other and look after each other.

Sometimes all you can do with your life is to hate it.

Bad Joke?

2009-04-27T12:56:00.000-07:00

Please can someone else look at this and tell me if it's real or just a spoof?

http://www.lovegodsway.org/

because when I found it I was completely, utterly, massively incandescent (great word) but then I thought 'nah, it's just someone taking the piss, people can't seriously think this'...
so now I don't know.
But I would dearly love it to be a joke, because...because it just MUST be, musn't it?

Blogging has made me think how I'm not doing much at the moment. Other folk are always telling of social things, cinemas, parties, discussions, events etc. I haven't been 'out' for ages, seem to be in a period of just being totally happy at home doing not much at all. Which, I guess, makes my Blog a bit boring...needs to be more external, less internal perhaps? hmmm. This Saturday is Quiz night - will that do? And beforehand I'm going to a performance of Faure's Requiem - with 4 people over 70. Steady, there.

My animal 'crush' of this week are bats. As I type its that iridescent, blue-y stage before dark and there are loads of little batty pals doing gymnastics outside my window. Glorious.
I don't know if they live in our eaves - my Dad recently had this plastic covering put over them so possibly not. But I'm glad its illegal to evict them from wherever they do live. Good law, that.

Must go and feed the rodents. Tonight they have a new enclosure so they can get more exercise and become less porky. They have loads and loads of room to run and frisk and play.
Since I put them in there, they have huddled - complaining constantly - and not moved, except to eat spinach and carrots. I feel the concept of a healthier lifestyle may not have got through to them as yet.

xx

Chickens and God. In that order.

2009-04-16T10:32:00.000-07:00

Ola!
Lovely day off today. Have done nothing except have an injection and read about keeping chickens. It's quite easy as long as you can create a decent size pen (with roof) for them to scrat around in. And I found out that because chickens have no teeth they can't grind up their food, so they have to eat little bits of grit which go into their gizzard and help the muscles within to squish up their food. Fascinating, huh?
Oh, and I now understand about eggs, and why a cockerel is not necessary. Yup, I see how it works now.

My poetry is finally finished! Yay! I've sent it off to my Mentor, Maggie, and now I guess I just wait for the next stage. I still have to sort out a title, (have a couple of good ones under consideration) and a biog and the order of the pieces...but hopefully the ''creative slogging'' is over. Feels kinda good. And they have been immesurably tolerant of all my delays, so thanks for that, gang. Everyone's invited to the launch(es). Yes, even you.

I have a strange urge to go to church. Not any church, but one in my home town, the place I have vowed never to go back to. But now I really want to, probably because its been in the media recently and the vicar is the same guy I knew from childhood, and perhaps there's some kind of nostalgia and sense of..belonging. Yet I don't believe in God, so why a pull to a house of worship? I did 'worship' there for a while as a teenager, but I never felt God or believed in the rote and ritual, though I guess it was comforting in a way. I really only used to go to keep my friend company and because I had a strong feeling that the vicar was a very good man, a wise man with an admirable faith and spirit.
I have a sense that if I go back there, things will be better - I will get answers, explanations. Of course that's nonsense. But I suppose it shows that I'm still looking for understanding, reasons. And perhaps now I've moved on to blame God for some of my demons. (''Why wasn't God watching? Why wasn't God listening? Why wasn't God there..'')
Well, a step on from blaming myself I guess.

x

A title without using the word s***f. Almost.

2009-03-28T05:47:00.000-07:00

Here are two wonderful songs:

Take it With Me
by Tom Waits

Phone's off the hook
No one knows where we are
It's a long time since I
Drank champagne
The ocean is blue
As blue as your eyes
I'm gonna take it with me
When I go

Old long since gone
Now way back when
We lived in Coney Island
Ain't no good thing
Ever dies
I'm gonna take it with me
When I go

Far far away a train
Whistle blows
Wherever you're goin
Wherever you've been
Waving good bye at the end
Of the day
You're up and you're over
And you're far away

Always for you, and
Forever yours
It felt just like the old days
We fell asleep on
Beaula's porch
I'm gonna take it with me
When I go
All broken down by
The side of the road
I was never more alive or
Alone
I've worn the faces off
All the cards
I'm gonna take it with me
When I go

Children are playing
At the end of the day
Strangers are singing
On our lawn
It's got to be more
Than flesh and bone
All that you've loved
Is all you own

In a land there's a town
And in that town there's
A house
And in that house
There's a woman

And in that woman
There's a heart I love
I'm gonna take it
With me when I go

I'm Gonna gake it
With me
When I go

Shiver Me Timbers
by Tom Waits

I'm leavin' my fam'ly
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
On a new front page sky
My tears are salt water
And the moon's full and high

And I know Martin Eden's
Gonna be proud of me
And many before me
Who've been called by the sea
To be up in the crow's nest
Singin' my say
Shiver me Timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me, now.
So swallow me, don't follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter'n
I'm gonna skip like a stone

So please call my missus
Gotta tell her not to cry
'Cause my goodbye is written
By the moon in the sky
Hey and nobody knows me
I can't fathom my stayin'
Shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

And the fog's liftin'
And the sand's shiftin'
I'm driftin' on out
Ol' Captain Ahab
He ain't got nothin' on me
So come and swallow me, don't follow me
I'm trav'lin' alone
Blue water's my daughter'n
I'm gonna skip like a stone

And I'm leavin' my family
Leavin' all my friends
My body's at home
But my heart's in the wind
Where the clouds are like headlines
Upon a new front page sky
And shiver me timbers
'Cause I'm a-sailin' away

My funeral songs, please.
Can't say you weren't told, now, so I'm relying on you!

It's OK, I'm not planning on popping off anytime soon, but I just wanted to make it public.

And they are wonderful. You must listen with the music. Promise me?
OK, you can go now....
xx

Sunday evening stuff.

2009-03-22T12:20:00.000-07:00

Have been enjoying simple pleasures. Tonight the lights on the sides of the Tyne Valley. A reminder of being a child at my Nan's house and sitting on the window ledge in the dark. Some of the lights that I guess traced a main road made a pattern like an enormous lightbulb, I loved it. Not as pretty here, but not far off.

Then early yesterday I walked to the bus stop and it was a gorgeous morning and everyone else seemed to be still in bed. And I sang - out loud - as I walked along. How lovely....well, not the singing, just the doing of it.

And last night we had a 2 year old here, and her face when she saw my guinea pigs was just fabulous. Pure wonder. Delightful. Mind you, they are the cutest things in the universe.

Meet Chilli:

I am disorganised for England at the moment. Can't seem to finish anything, or get stuff done at all. I wrote previously of my 'contemplative' (aka lazy?) nature , but this is even worse that that. I even went as far as to make a list this morning, and I hate lists. A sure way just to document failure. I 'm writing this at 7pm and nothing on the list is done, and it will stare at me all week, not being done. But I won't throw it away because its the first stage of things being done. Or not.

Last Summer I read about Tony Hart, one of my childhod heroes, not being able to draw any more due to strokes, (for younger viewers google 'Vision On' - landmark telly for a whole generation). So I signed an online petition, to the Prime Minister no less, asking that Tony Hart be given an honour for his services to art and children. I was incredibly impressed that the Gvt had set this system up whereby one can submit such requests to them for real-life consideration...but nothing came of it and I forgot all about it.
Then very recently the lovely Tony Hart died. Hey presto, within a week I had an email from Number 10 (yes, really!) saying they were very sorry but there was no system for giving honours posthumously. BUT HE WASN'T DEAD WHEN WE SENT THE PETITION A YEAR AGO! There's a sheer illogicality here that I find completely, utterly exasperating. In fact, it's annoying me so much just thinking about how I can write it down, that I'm actually not going to. Sorry. But its a bummer, and I'm cross. RIP Tony.You're on my list of good guys if that's any consolation.

Before I go, a quick plug for a world class blog. I've been reading it for a long time and its just too good to miss. Except for the last couple of entries which I haven't understood at all - but then Dom is 19 and I'm 43, so that probably explains quite a lot.

Anyway, go check out:

http://www.dominicself.com/

Its wonderful - and some great links to other class blogs too.

Time and stuff.

2009-03-18T04:40:00.000-07:00

Days pass and no Blog. Sorry. Not really the way to build up a following.
I just run out of time - which is odd given that I'm possibly the world's most inactive person quite a lot of the time. I can happily sit for a couple of hours and really do nothing. Just think, and wonder and ..well, nothing. I literally think too much, I think (!) and I wonder often if this is why I have mental health problems - I spend too long in my head, and not enough in my body.
When I stay with Paul I get tired because he's on the go all the time. 'Right, let's do this and then there's this and then....'
And I just think, 'Oh, I can't be bothered, and is it really essential that we do that now?, and well, let's just sit for a bit longer and think about it'. I guess he just hides/blitzes/avoids his demons with activity. I, kind of, wallow in mine. Probably neither approach is all that healthy. Perhaps a mix of us hits it right. I make him think, he makes me do.

Did my kids reading group yesterday. Odd how no group is the same. With this lot, the boys are studious, quick on the uptake and very engaged. The girls are wilder, distracted by gossip, texts, getting water...anything. With my other group, its the girls who do what I suggest, the boys who are diverted by the slightest thing.
It's hard work. Hard to be appealling to them, to not come across as another boring adult telling them what to do, to be part of them just enough to let them relax and express themselves, yet still be distant - the one in charge, who directs things. I would like to learn to do it really well, but its only a small part of my job, so I couldn't justify the time to do that. I think I manage, but I could be better, could trust my instincts so much more, if I had more confidence/skills. Yesterday's session was great and I came away on a high because I know they enjoyed it and responded to me. And I will carry that into next month, and feel good/confident about planning the next session and take risks to inspire them. But then if that goes crap, its that crap feeling I carry with me for the next month, which makes me more tentative. No way round that, except to hold the sessions more often, to try out more, which isn't an option really.

A long blog, which doesn't really say what I wanted to say. Perhaps more tomorrow. If there's time.

Can I say that I want Josef Fritzl to die extremely slowly and painfully and still claim that I am humanitarian/libertarian & against violence and hatred? Possibly one just has to live with these things. Some thoughts are just right.

Thank-you for reading!

2009-02-26T02:41:00.000-08:00

Buoyed by the news that at least a couple of people are reading this, I'll press on!

The upside of being part-time is of course the part time-ness of it all. I work a day, then have at least a day to recuperate and do my kind of things. Excellent - I have to keep reassuring myself that No, I don't have to be somewhere and No, I'm not going to get into bother for not being at work. Downside is the lack of £ which curtails to a quite big extent the 'my kind of things' I can do...but I'm working on the maxim that claims you can have fun and not spend money. It's not that I'm terribly materialistic...I don't think...I just find enjoyment in a meal out, a good bottle of wine, a CD/book, trip to the theatre, visit to Paul. That those things are largely beyond me at the moment - things with at other times I do without thinking - makes me very morose.

Tragic, of course, about the death of David Cameron's son. I can't imagine how they must have all coped with him having so many siezures a day - when my brother used to have 'just' 1 or 2 the whole family would be affected.
I found the tributes very moving. And once they stepped outside that party-political role, I found the individuals credible and believable. Gordon Brown was majestic and had a gravitas I don't feel he achieves much at other times. Obviously one could not help but project his own tragedy on to what he was saying, but I felt that even beyond that he was very dignified....I TRUSTED him. I wonder if he actually wrote what he said and that is what gave it the ring of 'realness'? But overall I just felt if they could all tap into that sense of common humanity and integrity more often, not just a times of great tragedy, then I might be inclined to believe/respect them more.

By way of introduction

2009-02-23T05:24:00.000-08:00

I love reading other people's blogs, but have never got it together enough to keep up with one of my own. Here's hoping.
Am coming out of illness. That great feeling when you don't feel dreadful any more and realise the delerium and wierd dreams and pain were only temporary...and isn't Penicillin fantastic!
I know people for whom pills are a total last resort. Me? Chuck it my way, with a vague promise of feeling better, and I'll swallow it. See me anyone who just giggled.
Whilst I've been ill my fingernails have grown at an alarming pace. What's that all about? Yuk. Why do women aspire to long, painted fingernails? I'ts obviously sexual, but I don't get it. Lips I guess I understand - the obvious symbolism. But nails? Surely they're a ''keep off'' signal? Or is that the point? ''I'm armed and dangerous, put a foot wrong and....''

Facebook has had this thing going - 25 things about yourself. Seems as good a way as any to begin this:

1) My favourite sandwich filling is cold baked beans and mayonnaise
2) I have slept with several married men and don’t feel any guilt at all. The last one I am still with 17 years later
3) I took hours of legal advice today from a solicitor I can’t afford to pay
4) I am morbidly obese and I don’t care much
5) I am the best person I know at doing my job
6) I once took an overdose washed down with Tangy Cheese Dorritos
7) I never wash my face
8) If things had worked out differently I would have had a 25 year-old child by now. I don’t regret this not being the case.
9) I will never, ever go back to the town where I grew up.
10) I have learnt how to honestly, truly and totally love myself. It’s amazing.
11) I used to fancy Norman Tebbitt
12) I still fancy Leonard Cohen
13) When I lost my virginity, the most intense feeling I had was that my feet were cold
14) I have seen Patrick Stewart in his knickers
15) I am a poet who doesn’t ‘understand’ a lot of poetry
16) I got my first tattoo at 41. I enjoyed the pain.
17) I would never voluntarily get involved in a conversation about hairstyles. After ‘I like your hair’ I kind of dry up
18) I have 3 adorable guinea pigs but I love one much more than the others
19) I am left wing but I very much dislike many ‘working class’ people
20) I was seriously sexually assaulted at 12. Most of the men I have been in serious relationships with as an adult resemble my attacker in some way
21) My greatest fear is being old and alone. Given that my partner is 14 years older than me and I have no children, I feel this is likely to be the case.
22) I am a bit of a fag-hag
23) I am desperate to keep chickens, but the whole business of how eggs come about is a mystery to me.
24) I never watch Ant and/or Dec
25) I am very tempted by the ‘bargains’ on Gems TV